Course Review: Meadows Farms

A short disclaimer before I begin the review... This past weekend, I was invited to come play this course with our good friend Flanman and his Flan-father under one condition: don't make a drunken ass of yourself. You see, Flanman's old man is a minister, and not one of the cool ones that molests little boys. No, he's one of the good ones, so I was instructed to restrict the alcohol intake and go easy on the fucking swearing. A seemingly impossible request, but I promised I would do my best. Therefore, I am saddened to announce that the following recap is rated PG: Pretty Gay.


Course Review: Meadows Farms (We played the Island/Waterfall combo)

Course Rating/Slope: 65.8/113 (If you play the Longest Hole 9, the course is much harder)

Yes there is a green on top of the waterfall, and yes my camera is a pile of shit

Location: Locust Grove, VA. With a name like this, you would hope that there would be swarms of locusts destroying crops and engulfing old people, but we were all disappointed to find that the only plague ravishing this town was poverty. The town itself was about 15 miles west of Fredericksburg, and if you are headed there from DC on a Saturday morning, DO NOT take I-95. Unless you happen to drive a monster truck.

Price: $50/Saturday round

Course Layout: The course itself is pretty fucking cool and appears to be have been designed by someone who was obsessed with mini-golf as a child. The course boasts a handful of novelty holes, which are scattered evenly over the 27-hole course. The course features a couple of island greens (both water and sand), a green located on top of a waterfall, a green located in the outfield of a disfigured baseball field, and their pride and joy, the Guinness Book of World Record's longest hole, a monstrous 800-plus yard Par 6. Thank Christ I didn't have to play that one.

The course wasn't all novelty holes though and featured plenty of challenging par 4's and 5's. The layout of the course was pretty decent and holes weren't on top on each other so your group has plenty of breathing room. My only complaint with the course was that it was too hilly. There were numerous occasions where I would hit a good looking drive that would sail over the hill never to be found again. I probably lost 6-8 balls on halfway-decent shots that drifted out of my sight line. Not surprisingly, I think that's bullshit.

flanman is either fishing for a lost ball or a discarded hot dog

Course Appearance: The course itself was in pretty good shape, although it was a little wet. Fairways and especially greens were really fast, and of course I compensated by pretending I had no dick when hitting all my putts.

Cart Girls: I don't even know what to say about this. They had some delightful nubes working the clubhouse and running errands around the course, but the cart "girl" was a grizzled older lady with a fake tan and a faker rack. I couldn't even look her in the eye when I first bought beers, it was a feeling similar to when a homeless man comes up to your car offering to wash your windshield. I felt even worse because I did not have any taco bell sauce packets to tip her with.

Clubhouse Food: 2 out of 5 Hotdog Rating. Half Smokes were overcooked, but the food and beer were cheap.

Carts: Oh man, the only thing sadder than Judas' betrayal of Jesus was my golf cart. I don't think they all were this bad, but I had to keep my foot on the gas for a good 5 seconds before the weed-whacker engine would come to life and take off. It must have grown to trust me throughout the day though as it did eventually get better. The only upside was that the governor on the cart was set high or might have been completely off, so I was able to pick up some speed and subsequently terrify ol' ruffino on the downhill paths.

Errant Shot of the Day: Can't really remember a good one, but I will go with the final hole, a par 5 where I ended up losing 3 balls, the last one ending up somewhere in the parking lot. May I suggest Feathered-Touch? You have selected POWER DRIVE.

this hole made me nostalgic of the old days, when i also didn't give a shit about baseball

Awkward Moment of the Day: Sadly, we avoided a majority of the awkward moments that have plagued us in the past due to our penchant for binge-drinking. There was an amusing moment when I went to grab my camera and came back to the tee box to take a shot of the island green, not realizing that Papa Flan was taking a mully as I obliviously attempted to turn it on and check the settings. I was this close to paying for my sins by means of a vengeful 9-iron.

Beers Drank: 8. And that's among 3 people... piss-fucking-poor. Also, Flanman owes me a beer.

Final Thoughts: A fun course that I would definitely play again, but first I'd have to figure out a new way to get down there. Using I-95 as the route is more disastrous than my epic failure of a social life. Also, I would need to do a much better job of keeping track of my drives in this hilly course. I didn't quite expect to lose track of that many balls off half-decent shots. The uniqueness of the course though makes up for these faults and it proved to overall be a fun time. I would also like to note that there is a TV in the clubhouse dedicated to the 'Skins, and a second TV dedicated to whoever the Cowboys are losing too. Now that, is fucking badass.

Course Reviews: Fairfax National

Course: Fairfax National (We played the Wilderness/Bullrun combo)

Course Rating/Slope: 71.5/127

Location: allegedly Centreville, VA, which is complete bullshit. The exit we got off on 66 was in Centreville, the course itself might as well been in West Fucking Virginia for as long as we had to drive to get there.

Price: $35/Saturday round

Course Layout: For a course out in the middle of fucking nowhere, it sure wasn’t designed with lots of space in mind. It featured 27 holes that were all on top of each other, a superb clusterfuck of epic proportions. At certain points of the day you could stop and look around the course and see upwards of 10 other groups playing, which is far too much potential for social interaction for my tastes. Narrow fairways and the poor course layout led to no shortage of fore’s as balls were continuously sailing from one fairway into the next. Hopefully close family members will remember your stance during the Schiavo debacle in case you get clunked in the head during your round. The course also features a shitload of long par 4’s and 5’s, so pray to Jesus that your long game came to play.

Course Appearance: Fairways were decent but greens were really shitty. They were splotchy and balls were bouncing like a hooker’s tits during putts. Bunkers were also in crappy shape and the water hazards were disgusting and probably home to at least one Fro and/or swamp thing.

Cart Girls: The one area where this course truly stood out. They certainly know how to hire the noobs at this place. Courteous, polite, and smoking hot, they certainly inspired one to think up numerous euphemisms for eating out a girl’s asshole.

Clubhouse Food: 3 out of 5 Hotdog Rating (I don’t even know what this means)

Carts: Carts were actually pretty decent, they were gas-powered and pretty quick. They were also proven to be capable of doing 180’s although only in the hands of Berg. My difficulties in stunt driving a cart supposedly mirror my difficulties in pleasing a woman.

Errant Shot of the Day: I was going to go with one of Ruffino’s drives that sailed into a neighboring green, creating a humorous moment for us as we watched a fellow group cower in fear, but I am going with a homer pick. On one of the early holes in the back 9, we were faced with a quick dogleg left that began a hundred or so yards out. Not feeling confident with my irons, I decided to whip out my driver and cut it close to the wilderness to see if I could punch it through. My shot off the tee was straight and pretty, until it slammed directly into a large tree, bouncing directly back towards the tee box. It landed about 20 yards from where it started. Deciding then to use my back 9 mully, I teed again but shanked this one directly into the woods. All in all, a hilarious sequence.

Awkward Moment of the Day: Reminiscing on my how you doin’ line from the previous night, I remarked that perhaps tonight I should use it again, but to spice it up with a new accent. I decided an asian “hau you do-in” would be worth a shot, combined with a little bow. It was at this point we realized some Korean guy was right next door retrieving his errant shot. Oops. Me so solly.

Beers Drank: 44, I think, 24 of which were busch light, the epitome of high society.

Final Thoughts: It was a solid day, but that’s a course I’d only want to play maybe once or twice a year. Too crowded and poor quality overall, but I guess you are getting what you pay for, which is acceptable when you are a cheap bastard like myself.