It is fairly shocking that we here at Blacked Out Golfers have neglected to post an entry yet about one of our favorite golfing pastimes, the legendary Top Golf driving range. To the uninitiated, Top Golf is much more than just a driving range, IT'S A WAY OF LIFE. Well, actually, it is just a driving range, but it also happens to serve beer.
The thing that does differentiate Top Golf from other driving ranges (besides the beer), is that it has a dozen dartboard-like targets scattered across the range, that collect your shots (if you're good) and relay the data back to a computer monitor in your bay. Every ball you hit is encoded with your name, so when you chip away, it keeps a running tally of your score. The closer your ball lands to the pin at the center of a target, the more points you get, and points can be doubled with successively accurate shots. Each bay can keep track of the scores of up to five golfers, so it's a great way to work on you game with your friends, at least until everyone blacks out and vomits everywhere.
So, with the upcoming Blacked Out Golfers trip to Myrtle fast approaching, we have decided it's time to get in golfing and drinking shape by increasing the frequency of visits to beloved Top Golf this month. Of especial importance, is the preparation and training of our newest Blacked Out Golfer recruit, Hurst, who will be joining us in three weeks for his first foray into the world of drunken golfing. Fortunately, the fundamentals of his swing are generally good, although he does possess a brutal hesitation check-swing, that will certainly be ruthlessly mocked during the trip. But, that is WHAT PRACTICE IS FOR! And by that I mean the practice of mocking him.
Inspired by the beautiful weather, last Saturday a few of the Blacked Out Golfers made their way to Top Golf for an afternoon of boozing and practice swings. Big mistake, since apparently every other person in a 20 mile radius that owned golf clubs had the exact same brilliant idea. After a long wait at the front desk for a few members of the group to renew their cards, we faced the harsh reality that every bay in the damn place was occupied. At the time, I took this news rather well, due to the fact that I was hungry and wanted to eat a sandwich, and basketball games were on the TV at the bar. Not a problem while I wait for some group of idiots to clear out as I pound a few beers. But they didn't exactly clear out right away, and an hour of waiting gradually turned into two. We eventually weaseled our way into a bay and were able to play three rounds, so we were happy. However, as I type this, thinking back, I am pissed, enraged, furious, outraged. You want to know why, well HERE'S MY THING...
[deep breath]
Kids. What the fuck, really, you are going to bring your 8 year old to this place to watch him shank a 20 yard shot? I stood there on Saturday waiting for a bay to open and watched some kid hit 15 balls in a row without even putting any of them in the registration device, so the balls he hit weren't even going to show up on the screen. WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU COME HERE IF YOU AREN'T EVEN GOING TO PLAY THE DAMN GAMES! HEY MOM, DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW MUCH A ROUND OF BALLS HERE COST?! You can get twice the balls for half the cost at a normal driving range, plus you don't have to worry about the fancy newfangled computer screen that keeps track of your score WHICH IS THE SOLE REASON WHY THE PLACE IS FUN AND DAMN EXPENSIVE. Also, I don't want to have to worry about you complaining to me that your bratty children are picking up new and creative swear words from my friends as we curse you out for ruining my afternoon. Fuck you and your kid, taking up a valuable bay spot to do what you could be doing in your backyard for free. I propose the following rule, wherever beer is served, children are BANNED. DIE.
Solo Golfers. This isn't as big a pet peeve as the kids, but it is still fucking annoying. It's Saturday, what should I do? I know, get dozens of balls and occupy a bay by my pathetic lonesome self for four hours, so I can work on my game. You know what, FUCK YOU. I'm standing here with my three friends, and we want to use this damn place for what it's meant for, playing a competitive golf game while sharing notes on removing dead hooker stench from your mattress. You can't have fucking conversations that deep by yourself. If you want to perfect your swing, go to a fucking normal driving range and swing away, but please don't do that here. You're not even drinking beer, the waitresses aren't making any money off you and they fucking hate you too. You don't realize this, but you are less than one step away from being that creepy fat guy who goes bowling by himself on a Friday night and somehow ends up booking himself a lane next to the 13 year old girl's birthday party. YOU ARE A CHILD MOLESTER. ALSO, DIE.
Anyway, I basically hate these two groups of people at Top Golf more than any other. The place is more than a driving range, it's also a bar and an arcade. And if you are not taking advantage of all three with a group of friends, then you deserve to be bludgeoned to death by a bag of rotting dicks.
So now with the first sign of warm weather this past Saturday, I've realized that one should adhere to a few rules when headed to Top Golf on a weekend day.
1. If you don't show up before noon, don't bother coming until dusk. The place is a clusterfuck all afternoon and unless you don't mind standing around for an hour and a half, it's not worth it.
2. If you need to get another card, or put money on your card, be prepared to wait in line even more. It's obviously not worth driving out there just to put money on your card, but plan ahead if you know you are going to be around at off-peak times.
3. You can drink one beer... you can drink two beers.... You can also drink 4 buckets of beer, so goddammit, make it happen.
And most importantly of all,
4. Please, don't be afraid to swear at the children.
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